The Red 7 Blog and Stuff

Rumors Rumors Rumors

2012-02-17T15:25:00.005-06:00

All of us here at Red 7 are flattered to know we're the occasional source of gossip. I mean, we get it. We closed down for a few weeks in December, threw in a couple of Playstations and some minor repairs, and now people are assuming we're leaving town just because Emo's moved off the block.

Well, I'm sad Emo's left downtown. A lot of us cut our teeth there, and it was a great venue that helped shape Red River. So was Liberty Lunch.

At the same time, our friends at Beerland down the street just resigned their lease (long live Beerland!), The Mohawk is in the midst of building out a fancy new viewing deck and our neighbors at Empire Automotive have really been stepping it up on doing more live shows than before. We're excited to see a combination of new blood and old veterans investing their time, money and talent in this district, and we're even more excited to be a big part of it.

We don't have any plans on going anywhere. We aren't moving South of the River, and we aren't closing our doors. Why would we? Red River is one of the most important neighborhoods in Austin, and we're fighting to keep it here for the long haul. Starting with re-signing our lease.

In the meantime, we've made some improvements to the facilities and programming and have a lot of great shows (and a few surprises) in store for you in the near future, so stay tuned.

I LOVE Review Sites designed to shit talk small business!

2012-01-23T19:50:00.010-06:00

And so does Glenn. I knew we had something in common!

What? Why? FUCK YOU VAMPIRE BILL!

2011-08-18T15:31:00.001-05:00

Every now and then, the stars misalign so drastically it makes me cry and sob like a small baby. Well, it happened to me again today.

Back story, I left my ipod in a friends car, and so I have been listening to our local NPR station. Since I usually wake up around the same time John Aeilli is done with his morning vomit show, I can feel pretty safe with the musical selections KUT has to offer.

Well this afternoon, out of nowhere THIS came on the radio. In Nick Cave's defense, this is the only really bad song I've ever heard him take part in. I blame True Blood. Fuck you, Vampire Bill!

Now accepting Applications! Shitty Job, No Money, must tolerate Nü Metal (SRSLY).

2011-08-08T15:10:00.000-05:00

Hey you! Do you want to learn what it's like to book shows at Red 7?!?!

Do your parents pay your rent/mortgage? Are you available for 6 hours a week to intern for us?

We'll TOTALLY pay you with free admission to stuff and Cream O' Sailors.

All you have to do is email your response to this questionnaire by Friday morning (August 12th).

Just remember, there is no wrong answer, but there's a shit load of incorrect ones.

1 - What were the last 4 rercods you purchased?

2 - If you could have any band in the World play your birthday party, who would it be?

3 - Do you have a computer and a reliable internet connection?

4 - Are you familiar with Adobe Photoshop or Pixelmator?

5 - Why do you want this gig?

6 - What's your favorite Thin Lizzy song?

Just copy and paste this into an email and send it to james@red7austin.com

BONERZ!

"Garage" Sale - Get it? Fuck, I hate myself

2011-08-05T12:56:00.001-05:00

I've been watching that TV show "Hoarders" recently, I'm always at least a year late on any TV show. I'm also proud to be 15 years behind on music and pretty fucking up to date on comic books.

Anyways, hoarding shit's gross and weird. In addition, Garage Sales always cater to people who wake up before noon (which fucking BLOWS me away there's so many out there).

So Matt from the Golden Boys and I decided to have a little get together at the ol' Red 7 and invite all of you fools to come sell your stuff as other fools rummage through said stuff. In addition we'll have super cheap drinks, delicious BBQ available from our homey Tom and a live performance By the Golden Boys and The Early Stages.

What kind of stuff?

Whatever. Records, music equipment, old clothes, comic books, Betamax players, knick knacks, whatever.

If you wanna come setup and sell your stuff, it's completely free, just bring a table (or we'll rent one for you if you wanna pay for it). Email me at red7garagesale@gmail.com to reserve a spot (yes, they're limited).

Hey (hey) You (you) I wanna be your weed friend.

2011-08-05T10:42:00.001-05:00

So my friends over at Volcom Entertainment always give me free shit (because they rule, and, more importantly, because I ask for it) whenever a band on their label comes through town. Volcom hook that shit up for me, too. It's usually a bad ass Tweak Bird limited press vinyl or an Andrew W.K. split with The Riverboat Gamblers, or maybe a lock of Valient Thorr's hair.

Well this time, those fuckers done did outdone themselves. Volcom Entertainment and Red 7 are giving away a $200 Smokebox (weed) vaporizer. Now when I say "weed", you know that I mean tobacco, which is a plant, and I'm sure at some point or another was referred to as a weed.

SO, here's what you gotta do. Buy a ticket for the St. Vitus show (August 20th) or the Riverboat Gamblers show (August 27th) in advance from red7austin.com . If it's a willcall ticket, then we already have all your information. If it's a paper ticket, you'll just need to fill out a little entry form when you get to the show. OR for more chances to win, head on down toe END OF AN EAR and buy any Riverboat Gamblers or St.Vitus memorabilia (7", 12", t shirt, CD, boxer shorts etc) and your name will be entered in the drawing. You can be entered multiple times, so party party party party party party party party!!!

I know what your asking yourself, Hey Red 7, why are you giving this thing away? Why don't you just rig it and stuff the ballot with your puppy's name and just take it home, nobody's REALLY paying attention.

Well my friend, I have two reasons for you.

1 - Not cool bro (or bra), not cool at all. We stoners gotta look out for each other, man.

2 - I'm pretty much the laziest person in the world. I'm sitting 15 feet away from 3 pools of puppy urine on my floor that have been there since last week, I haven't showered or brushed my teeth in who knows how long, it took me 3 days to type this 5 paragraph blog, I'm pretty sure I still have mildewy clothes in my washer that I just didn't bother putting in the dry cycle, and needless to say, I'm too fucking lazy to be entrusted with anything that makes smoking weed easier/more convenient.

Good luck!

So... What IS the Lottery?

2011-06-27T10:57:00.000-05:00

(Sign up at loteriaaustin@gmail.com )

So, the abridged explanation (for those who aren't already familiar)...

You walk in, take a number and in next thing y

ou know, you're in a band with 2-3 other people (most likely complete strangers) and you're next gig is in 24 hours.

The Lottery (Loteria) is a social experiment mixed with a live performance and a creative outlet all in one bundle (you follow?) It is sponsor free, and egos aren't welcome (except for mine, Jon Chapman's and Mike Wiebe's of course), and the show itself is free to attend (we know how hard it is to get your friends to come see your band when there's a cover, so we just made it easier for everyone).

The Rules:

Every band is guaranteed at least one drummer. That is the ONLY constant, the rest of the band can be anything from a saxaphone player, a vocalist, a guitarist to a DJ (although, since this is Austin, most participants can play all of these instruments simultaneously while sitting on a bass drum with a tamborine). The drummer kinda gets to play team captain while they draw names.

Immedaitely after the drawing, a brief "band photo" is taken and the band has the next three hours to complete the most important and difficult part of the process... The Band Name. In the past we've had everything from Afrobocop and the T¨j0rd B¨jorglers, Boner Patrol, Roqua Soxx, Drug SxE and The JetBlue Man Group.

The next morning, all the bands meet up at one of the member's practice space (predided), and spend the next series of hours hammering out their "set" which can be up to 35 minutes and may include no more than 1 cover song. Take my advice, when deciding on a practice space, start by asking if it's air conditioned, the rest of the details aren't nearly as important.

At 7pm on July 23rd, we all regroup to Ye Olde Red 7 to have some pizza, drink some delicious cocktails and draw band names out of a hat to find out set times. The show is absolutely free (YAY) and it's super duper fun. The whole project has been incredibly successful up to this point, and it's a great way to meet new musicians and just have fun.

So the part where I need more help than anything right now is getting the word out to as much of the local music community as possible. I love my friends and I especially love my friends' bands, but I want us to make this as inclusive as we can, and that means making sure that ANYBODY who wants to participate (hip hop DJs, Jazz musicians, punk rockers, shoe gazers, singer songwriter types) is aware it's happening and has a chance to throw their names in.

I created an email address: loteriaaustin@gmail.com and some really dumb fliers I made on the L Train in Chicago.

SO, as I mentioned before the next step is going to be finding creative types, musicians (from all skill sets and backgrounds) and getting them to simply submit a brief bio.

All entries need to include the following 4 lines...

Name:
Current band (if applicable):
Previous bands (if applicable):
Instrument played:

I'm going to start rounding up the drummers right now.

My Flag is at Half Mast today

2011-06-12T11:31:00.000-05:00

... not only because I stopped mistaking viagra for adderol, but because an iconic pioneer has fallen. Legendary Boston "front man" and "songwriter", Seth Putnam of Earache Records' sweet heart "ANAL CUNT" died of a heart attack yesterday. His publicist has confirmed the news, which makes me wonder how difficult of a job it must be to be the publicist of a band that wrote a song called "I Went Back in Time and Voted for Hitler".

Without such innovators as Anal Cunt to pave the way, bands like "Sore Throat", "Unhallowed"(Who put out the amazing/unlistenable "Punch Fucking Blasphemy"), Austin's own "Chain Drive" and Cleveland metal/slop gods "Schnauzer", and, of course, every single musical act which features Jon Chapman in some capacity either, I wonder how many of these bands wouldn't have existed. I'm sure Sockeye wouldn't be any different, Sockeye > Anal Cunt (sorry Seth). I guess more realistically, all these bands would have existed, but might have sounded very very slightly (almost unnoticeably) different.

I remember my first experience with Anal Cunt in the Early 90s when I found a copy of "Everyone Should be Killed" in my cousin's record collection in Cleveland. Experimental at the time and not pushing limits yet, The Fledgling album had songs such as "Our Band is Real Sick (We Have the Flu)" "When I Think of True Punk Rock I Think of Nirvana and the Melvins" and a cover of "Unbelievable" by EMF.

... A Few years had gone by and it wasn't until I was 16 years old and stumbled upon "Top Forty Hits". It was sitting in a cutout bin at Cheapies in Hamilton, Ontario. I remember I purchased an Anal Cunt Disk, The Self titled "...And You Will Know us By The Trail of Dead" album and what ended up being a really really bad all girl industrial album by the band "Piss Factory". On their next album A.C. released a song called "Your Band is in the Cut-Out Bin". Does that count as irony?

Then came the "Piece De Resistance" - Anal Cunt's "I Like it When You Die" which featured something like 56 songs in 47 minutes included a great deal of "summer jams", and spoke about more current events and political issues such as...

1 - Valujet
2 - Jack Kevorkian is Cool
3 - Kyle From Incantation Has a Mustache

More importantly for me, Seth taught me that, yes, rather than the rest of the World bitching with generalizations about how the music industry sucks (this was around the same time Steve Albini wrote that article about a moat of feces and blah blah blah), Anal Cunt took it a step further, it was high time to point out exactly who sucked, and what kind of person you were for liking these bands. This includes such songs as.

1 - 311 Sucks.
2 - You Went to See Dishwalla and Everclear (You're Gay).
3 - René Auberjonois - (The lyrics simply being "René Auberjonois, you're Gay Auberjonois").
4 - Your Favorte Band is Supertramp
5 - Hootie and The Blowfish
6 - No, We Don't Want to Do a Split Seven Inch With Your Stupid Fucking Band

This album had awoken me to something I didn't realize for the first 12 years of my life. Unlike that intelligent and political bullshit that my previous heroes: Chuck D, Ian Mackaye, Henry Rollins and Jello Biafra had regurgitated to me over the years, Seth taught me some things that I could really apply to my day to day life.

A - Homophobia is funny. It's not right, but calling things "gay" over and over and over again is completely fine as long as you're from Boston, because that's just how they talk.

1 - Technology's Gay
2 - The Internet is Gay
3 - Pottery's Gay
4 - Rich Goyette is Gay
5 - Windchimes Are Gay
6 -You're Gay
7 - You Broke into a Sperm Bank (because you're a Cum Guzzling Fag)

B - You can write songs about lost love, the struggles of being an outcast and heart break without coming off as an "emo" band.

1 - You've Got Cancer
2 - You Look Adopted
3 - You Live in a Houseboat
4 - You Are an Orphan
5 - Your Kid is Deformed
6 - You're Old (Fuck You)
7 - You're Best Friend is You
8 - You're in a Coma
9 - Ha Ha, Your Wife Left You
10 - You Sell Cologne

...And let's not forget World Politics.

Even though their society oppresses women, towel heads still fucking suck.

R.I.P. Seth Putnam.

LOL(?)

2011-05-14T13:28:00.000-05:00

The other day I decided to take a break from my usual "porn to facebook back to porn and repeat with the occasional youtube" fun, and take a look at my "electronic mail" to price check viagra. Upon opening my email, I found a wonderful and bizarrely threatening message from some VP or Whateverthecrap it is who wanted to charge me with criminal trespassing (name omitted of course)...

On behalf of The University of Texas at Austin, I write to inform you that the Board of Regents of The University of Texas System prohibits commercial solicitation on the campuses of its institutions. The UT System Board of Regents Rules and Regulations, Series 80103, provide the governance for solicitation of faculty, staff, and students. You may view this policy at: http://www.utsystem.edu/bor/rules/80000Series/80103.pdf

Additionally, University policy Section 13-503 of the Institutional Rules on Student Services and Activities state that only University persons, organizations, and departments may post signs on kiosks.

On October 14 2010, 101 cards advertising Red 7 entertainment were removed from a kiosk located on the UT Austin campus. As a University representative, I ask that you cease distribution of your flyers immediately. If you continue to dispense flyers on any University property, you or your representatives could be issued a criminal trespass notice and thereafter be subject to arrest. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

For a moment I felt motivated. Someone out there was a bigger fucking nerd than I am, then I felt annoyed, and finally, I felt inspired...

Hi Beth! Thanks so much for the email. As much as we are a venue and do work with multiple outside consultants, we, by no means distribute flyers, nor would we have any control over any outside promoter activity. If you have an image or idea of what the flyer itself was, I'll be sure to reach out to the proper party, but if you don't have that information I would ask that you not bother me with this here "jibba jabba".

PS - I have attached a picture of Mr. T for your reference, as he is not only my inspiration, but because he shares my stance on "jibba jabba". Please keep in mind I do not have any rights to this photo itself, and I am using it simply to amuse myself and a handful of my colleagues who I blind CC'ed on this email. Due to data rights, I would have to ask that you refrain from distributing it, especially on UT property as per the UT System Board of Regents Rules and Regulations, Series 80103.

PPS - College football sucks.

I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I'm sure we can all agree the score, at this point reads:

Red 7 - 1

Nerd from UT - 0

Well, turns out Nerd from UT had some fight left in her (yay!) and decided to scrape every single email address she thought she could threaten from Transmission Entertainment to KVRX. Once again, name omitted.

Mr. Sarkis at Red 7 tells me that he is not responsible for the attached flyers on the UT campus so I am forwarding this message to you:

On behalf of The University of Texas at Austin, I write to inform you that the Board of Regents of The University of Texas System prohibits commercial solicitation on the campuses of its institutions. The UT System Board of Regents Rules and Regulations, Series 80103, provide the governance for solicitation of faculty, staff, and students. You may view this policy at: http://www.utsystem.edu/bor/rules/80000Series/80103.pdf

Additionally, University policy Section 13-503 of the Institutional Rules on Student Services and Activities state that only University persons, organizations, and departments may post signs on kiosks.

On April 20, 2011, 101 cards advertising entertainment at Red 7 in downtown Austin were removed from a kiosk located on the UT Austin campus. As a University representative, I ask that you cease distribution of your flyers immediately. If you continue to dispense flyers on any University property, you or your representatives could be issued a criminal trespass notice and thereafter be subject to arrest. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

P.S. to UWeekly Austin, I might remind you that I am responsible for approving newsstands located on the UT Austin campus.

GIANT NERD -

Assistant to the Vice President for University Operations

At this point, Giant Nerd decided to attach an image of the flier (was that so hard?), interesting approach if you ask me, threatening random people as the culprit walks free amongst us (GASP). More importantly, after I sent you a picture of Mr. T and responded to your threats with "High School Football sucks" Why the FUCK do you think that it'd be wise to CC me on this arbitrary issue? Did Giant Nerd think that KVRX and Transmission were going to take my gun and my badge and leave me wallowing in regret for fucking with the "Assistant to the Vice President for University Operations"?

Oh hi. Johnny Sarkis here. Perhaps you might remember me from my previous email that I just sent you 10 minutes ago informing you that as the proprietor of Red 7, I have no control over the actions of blah blah blah Mr. T. picture, Texas Football sucks etc.

Anyways, I thank you for attaching an image of the flyer. I'll contact the promoter directly and inform them of the infraction and I apologize on their behalf. With that being said, I want you to keep in mind, there is no Dana, only Zuul. Attached I have a chart which proves it. Please refrain from distributing this image as it's, once again, an image I am using for my own pleasure as well as the wonderful people included in this email thread, and I don't own the rights to Ghostbusters. Also, if you don't mind, I would avoid distributing it on UT campus anywhere, I heard somewhere they really don't like that.

Thanks

Final Score =

Red 7 - 2

Nerd from UT - 0

Bill Murray - 1 billion

Booking 101. For Red 7 and Beyond.

2011-04-05T18:30:00.000-05:00

Before you read the speech, here's the abbreviated version...

1 - Don't book yourself for any shows 2 weeks prior or after the show without letting us know. It's not worth it, trust me, your shooting your band in the foot and embarrassing everybody.

2 - Make a flier/poster for your show, or get your hands on one someone else made and put them all over town. Facebook isn't your only resource. If you're a promoter, book bands that help you promote, and ride their asses to make sure they do.

3 - Don't expect a weekend headlining show or to be main support for larger touring acts until you've proven yourselves to us. I, unfortunately, don't book some of my favorite bands on touring shows because they don't draw or promote, and the more you can prove to us that you do (trust me, we're paying attention) the more likely we'll be to offer you to come back and play more of the fun/packed shows.

Now. On to Johnny doing what Johnny does best... talking too much.

So. Here you are, you just finished band practice and your new project kicked out that cover of Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You" just perfectly and you can't wait to make all the ladies (or men) swoon to your love ballad which you wrote in advance for that special someone, because you know that when she (or he) hears it, you'll both fall in love instantly, have (or adopt) many babies (or puppies) and move away to West Texas together where it's so cheap and mangical that you can, in fact, pay the bills with love and spend the rest of your days farming organic beets and doing peyote on Mondays just to keep in touch with your "spiritual side".

Well, I for one, am excited for you. You, (insert your name here) are the inspiration behind every booking agent in town who destroys his or her social life, marriage, and aspirations for a real "job" to make sure that you get that chance. Pretty fucking sweet, huh? I'm actually on YOUR side. Unlike your parents, I won't nay say your dreams of being a swaggering sexy rock and roll/hip hop/post indie/new grave/disco punk/satanic swing/puppy core band. I know better. You're gonna be a millionaire fucking rock star, and you're gonna invite me over when MTV Cribs comes by to shoot your mansion so we can jack off in your own private shooting range and compare distances. You just gotta do me a few favors. "Help me help you" if you will.

A - Take your show seriously. If you're local, and you have a show on a Thursday night, in the name of all that is holy, avoid playing for at least 2 weeks, but you should consider 1 month to be your bare minimum. Why do such a thing? You can really focus on getting all of your friends to come out to 1 show a month, you can flier and promote and push it and people will probably come out. NOBODY wants to see your band play the same "ironic" cover of that Blink 182 song twice in the same week, I know you hear it twice a day in band practice and still think it rules, but trust the experts on this, you wont even be able to get your girlfriend/boyfriend to come see your show if you overplay yourself.

This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. It's unfair to us at the club to spend all this time, money and effort to give you a shot and for you to piss all over our faces by playing around the corner the same week. As a policy, we don't allow local bands to play Red 7 if they're playing any less than 2 weeks in advance. By as a policy, I mean I'll pull you off the bill, call you an idiot and you can deal with cleaning up the mess.

To all of those bands that understand this simple rule THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. You are what makes America a beautiful place to live in, and when I salute the eagle (which I do nightly) I'm secretly saluting you and all of the members of the opposite (or same sex) that you hook up with on a daily basis for being cool enough to know how to not look desperate.

Wow. That was long winded wasn't it? Let's move on.

B - You gotta do what you can to promote your show. Facebook, although a great start is not enough. I remember back before I realized how talentless I was, I used to play in this really shitty band in this podunk small town I grew up in. Whenever friends would come in from out of town, or we wanted to throw a show at "Legion Hall" or in the ballroom upstairs of a hockey arena (true story), we used to fucking LOVE making flyers. This is back before everybody had a computer, and we would cut pictures out of magazines or books (Faces of Death was always a winner) and draw what we thought was witty banter on the flyer and head down to the library and photocopy our dumb fliers and post them all over town while jocks would drive around tearing them down and beating us up for having stupid hair cuts. Fast forward 15 years, and the lack of effort I see from bands making any kind of flier or handbill is just sad and embarrassing. I have to ask myself, are you embarrassed of your band? Do you really think that you're too cool to promote? I say, Chin up good friend. Confidence is everything! Make that flyer, put your band logo on it in some HUGE font and then hand it out to every single one of your colleagues and classmates and tell them "your welcome" as you do so, because you my friend are handing them a golden ticket to go on the most wonderful ride to Red 7's Amazing Chocolate factory, where the bathrooms kinda work and the door guy rarely bathes, but MOST importantly, the beer is cold, the Jameson isn't watered down and the bands are gonna blow your face off!

But hey, I don't wanna be that guy who bitches and complains and then doesn't support you and help you in the right direction, right? Like I said, I'm on YOUR team. First things first, there's the easy stuff. Go onto do512.com and find your show listing, make sure it's updated well and update your band info on there to ensure there's no confusion.

Step 2 - Make a flier/poster. Try to follow that standard single page format (8.5"x11") and be sure to include The bands, the venue, the start time and, if applicable, the cover. If you wanna get fancy and include www.red7austin.com we'd be stoked, but if not, we'll get over it. Also, if you're pre selling tickets or doing the event through Transmission Entertainment (our besties) go ahead and include a link to buy tickets from their website www.transmissionentertainment.com . I'm gonna go ahead and include some logos you can use for our website. Keep in mind, if you're lucky enough to be asked to support a touring band AND you decide to take it on yourself to make a kick ass flyer, we will high five the fuck out of you when we see you and you'll move right up that "consideration to open for big ass touring bands" ladder.

Now, on to number three. Log onto your facebook, create a little facebook invite and invite a few of your friends. Make a poster and upload it, don't be a shameless whore about it, and don't message everybody on your invite list, that's spammy and tacky and nobody likes that.

Finally, number four. Go to https://www.ginnysprinting.com/showprints/default.aspx and setup an order for 100 of your posters for $23. It's cheap as fuck and Ginny's rules for supporting locals with these kind of rates (the same order from Kinko's is about $130). When the posters are done, go pick 'em up and put them (tastefully) around record shops, coffee houses and our club. Drop a handful off to us, and we'll pass them on to our street team to help YOU sell YOUR product. You see how easy that was? That's the bare minimum and all I'm really asking for.

C - If you're new to the scene, getting your foot in the door, don't get all butt hurt we aren't gonna give you a Saturday night headlining show. Do you think that your favorite band, Lillian Axe, got their start headlining on a Friday night? Do you think that Judas Priest just walked into whatever the British Equivalent of Red 7 was at the time and said...

"Listen 'ere, mate. We're Judas Priest, I'm Rob Halford, and although you can probably guess it already, I'm a closet homosexual, and I'm going to sing some fucking spectacular 'evy metal songs about 'ow much I love denim and leather and the world isn't going to stop and think for a minute that I'm a poofter. Instead they'll hang on to my ev'ry word until the late 90s when I formally announce that I enjoy the comp'ny of men. It'll shock and awe half of my audience as 'evy metal fans are a bunch of angst filled homophobes wit' somethin' ta prove. Anyways, enuff 'bout that, we ain't nevah played a show, and so you blokes should give us a Saturday night headlining slot at (equivalent venue to Red 7) and that's that cuz I kin guarn'tee at least twenty people including my boyfr- I mean, manager will come out and you'll make millions".

NO, no they didn't. They played a fucking Tuesday show or jumped on a free show with some other bands and promoted the fuck out of it and showed the booking guy at the club that, hey, maybe this new Judas Priest band IS hot shit and I'm gonna book them again when other fucking amazing national bands come through town that they wanna play with and they work so god damned hard that they're gonna tour the World with Black Sabbath. In fact, I'm gonna book them to headline the black stage at whatever the 35 year old version of Fun Fun Fun Fest is.

As Omar Little said in the wire "All in the game yo, all in the game. "

So, who wants to learn about email etiquette and why NSFW is REALLY important?

2011-03-05T15:21:00.000-06:00

Sorry kids. This one is winded, but totally worth it.

I got an email a few days ago that I received on my space phone. It was from some kid with some kiddy core booking request, but once again, a little on the unusual side, as the sponsor for this event isanyoneup.com (DON'T CLICK IT UNTIL I TELL YOU TO!) isn't your standard skateboard company/clothing company/whatever you wanna call it. Oh no, that'd be boring and nothing worth writing about. Instead, it's a link to the absolutely creepiest "alternative" porn blog I've seen in my entire life. Now, before you go ahead and explore the porn site, I'm going to give everyone the courtesy dumb ass amateur booking guy didn't give me and inform you that this link is Not Safe For Work (NSFW).

So, read on and click away (we'll wait here for you).

Johnny,

Are you interested in (Shitty band), (The Worst Thing That Ever Happened to Instruments), (Your Average Fuckwads You See Jamming at Guitar Center), and (Suburban White Kids with face Piercings) on May 3rd, 2011? The bands will be on the IsAnyoneUp.com Tour (This is the part where numb nuts REALLY should have put in "NSFW" feel free to click now and see for yourself). This tour will receive strong promotion to over blah blah blah social networking sites blah blah PR company and street promotion lies lies etc.

Thanks,

SOME IDIOT, STUPID MADE UP COMPANY

Booking IDIOT

fuckingclueless@imborderlineretarded.com

www.myagencysucks.com

000-000-0000 - because I'm dumb enough to put my phone number in an email.

I decided rather than just deleting this email,as anyone else who does what I do a week before SXSW SHOULD be doing, I was going to teach this guy a few lessons. My boss, Graham, always complains that I have too much time on my hands. The real truth is, you can only masturbate and listen to Neurosis for so many hours until you need to do something else while you recharge. The first lesson, don't spam me with creepy porn without any kind of notice, and, more importantly, lesson two, always include the caveat of this email being for the reader's eyes only and not to be shared (WHOOPS).

My response (#1) We'll call this the less funny reactionary one.

Dude! Isanyoneup.com is totally a porn site! Haven't you heard of nsfw? I got a computer screen full of teenage dicks now?! Is this some bizarre joke? I'm confused.

After 24 hours of not hearing back from our booking wizard explaining himself, I decided to post another response. Perhaps he just missed my reply and I'll alert him once again to my concerns:

Hey Sinjin.. I have a tour coming through your town. It's full of shitty bands and sponsored by dicks and boobs on computers. Check out my AWESOME pictures.

8===D

(•)(•)

Oh, and ps... This totally is nsfw, so I wouldn't recommend opening it in front of your mother (unless your Mother loves Internet dick too)!!!

24 hours went by again, and I STILL didn't hear anything, so I felt another response was needed. I REALLY needed to find a good venue for my shitty tour, and dicks and boobs on computers are pretty cool. Most importantly, does Sinjin's mother, in fact, appreciate internet dick? The mysteries NEEDED to be solved!

After much thought and deliberation, I've decided that emodicks.org or whatever that fucking skeez site is doesn't meat (pun intended) my standards. I'm going to start my own kiddy core shitty emo website and my own kiddy core shitty emo band and it's gonna be way better than anything you book. Then I'm gonna jack off all over my millions of dollars and send you cum stained $5 bills every few weeks for inspiring me. What's your address Sinjin? I'm sure you'll see some royalty $$$ cumming down the pipeline soon (get it Sinjin? Cumming down the pipeline)?

Here's another ASCII dick for good measure. This ones got a much skinnier shaft.

8------D

Now, for some reason, ol' Sinjin the booking monkey seemed to be ignoring me. Sinjin is about to learn lesson # 3, DON'T FUCKING IGNORE JOHNNY SARKIS!

Hey Sinjin "Dick Master" Ayat. I haven't heard anything back about my offer, yet. You don't mind if I call you "Dick Master" do you? its kinda got a cool ring to it.

Have you seen Spaceballs? I LOVE that part where Lone Star and Darth Helmet have a showdown and Darth Helmet's all like "I see your schwartz is as big as mine". That's what we call an "innuendo". It's subtle, unlike " Dickmasters.emofest.biz " or whatever it's called. I guess porn makes a lot more money than Mel Brooks' movies
though, so I can dig where you're coming from with that. Remember that other part where Yogurt's all talking about "moychandizing!" HILARIOUS! Those were the good ol' days when you were allowed to poke fun of jews, but nowadays everybody gets all butt hurt about that kind of stuff. I wonder if Mel Brooks would be down to co pro this
one? I loved it when he cowrote movies with Richard Pryor, because then he could get away with saying "nigger". It kinda bums me out that I don't have any black business partners, because if I did, we could start up emo-nigger.dickshots.creepy.com (or something along those lines). I have a lot of black friends, but they aren't willing
to do business with me, they say I babble too much. You don't think I babble too much do you Sinjin?

Speaking of butt hurt, I'm gonna go ahead and guess you're into getting your ass plowed. Which is cool by me, you know, if you like getting plowed in the ass from time to time, or all the time for that matter, you're always welcome in our bar. We really don't mind the gays, we don't even mind creepy androgynous singers of shitty bands showing their pierced taints on "iliketoblowguys.lookatmypiercedwiener.net " or whatever that site is (I have the worst memory sometimes).

Anyways, I'm glad we could be friends. I'm a little hurt deep down that you wouldn't add me on facebook after I found your profile http://www.facebook.com/#!/sinjinayat because I really wanted to know if you wanted to swing by the club and raw dog it with me some time.

We'll put it on rawdoggingwithsinjin.tv and make millions (Literally MILLIONS) in ad dollars, but I guess you're not the innovative entrepreneurial type I had hoped for.

Do you play words with friends? I wanna throw down on some scrabble before we boy fuck, you know, so I can get to know what kind of vernacular you're into.

Please forward me a clean bill of health ASAP and we'll take it from there. I'll try to get a lube sponsor.

Anyways, I am going to ask all of you (both of you) readers out there to help me out and drop Sinjin a line and ask him why exactly he wont answer me emails. After all, I have feelings, and if I'm going to be spammed for a shitty tour package sponsored by a creepy borderline illegal porn site, the absolute least I deserve is a proper response to my "raw dog" offer. sinjin@thrustmanagement.com

Converge, Fucked Up, Dillinger 4, Youth of Today and 3 day passes on sale for Mohawk and Red 7!

2011-02-21T11:04:00.000-06:00

Thursday 6/2/11

at Red 7-$12

the Spits

the Arrivals

TV Ghost

at Mohawk-$15

(outside)

Converge

Title Fight

Touche Amore

(inside)

the Menzingers

Dead End Path

FRIDAY! 6/3/11

at Red 7 (outside)-$12

the Marked Men

F.Y.P.

This is My Fist

the Shitty Limits (England)

Chinese Telephones

Secret Prostitutes

at Red 7 (inside)

Textbook Committee

TBA

at Mohawk-$15

Universal Order of Armageddon

Unbroken

Ceremony

Free Spirit

Power Trip

SATURDAY! 6/4/11

at Mohawk (outside)-$18

Youth Of Today

Rampage

Rival Mob

Urban Blight

TBA inside after party...

at Red 7-$12

Guitar Wolf

Off with their Heads

Underground Railroad to Candyland

the Mind Spiders

Cheap Time

the Hex Dispensers

SUNDAY! 6/5/11

at Mohawk-$15

Dillinger Four

Fucked Up

the Slowmotions

Toys that Kill

Night Birds

Tenement

3 day pass for red 7-$30

4 day pass for mohawk-$57

Tickets for all events available (including 3 day passes)

http://www.transmissionentertainment.com/calendar/2011/06/

Chaos 2011 in Tejas at Red 7!

2011-02-20T21:30:00.001-06:00

Let the Chaos... BEGIN!

THE SPITS, THE MARKED MEN, GUITAR WOLF and MORE!

Tickets go on sale 2/21 at noon, LET'S DOOOO THIS!

THURSDAY (6/2)

the Spits

the Arrivals

TV Ghost

FRIDAY (6/3)

at Red 7 (outside)-$12

the Marked Men-11:35-12:20

F.Y.P.-10:50-11:20

This is My Fist-10:05-10:35

the Shitty Limits (England)-9:20-9:50

Chinese Telephones-8:35-9:05

Secret Prostitutes-7:50-8:20

at Red 7 (inside)

Textbook Committee-12:30-1:45

TBA

SATURDAY! (6/4)

at Red 7-$12

Guitar Wolf-12:45-1:30

Off with their Heads-12:00-12:30

Underground Railroad to Candyland-11:15-11:45

the Mind Spiders-10:30-11:00

Cheap Time-9:45-10:15

the Hex Dispensers-9:00-9:30

This is why I shouldn't be allowed near a computer.

2011-02-12T14:55:00.000-06:00

So I got an offer today from the "Awake the Dead" tour. They are billing themselves as metal hardcore and have the usual blah blah "Grammy considerations" "succesful tour" "street team and PR" bullshit we always get with these offers, which is code for "please delete this email" (poster attached).

Well, I usually just hit the delete button and move forward, but this band name just REALLY bugged me, so I decided it was worth responding to. You know, as a public service (last name and email address omitted of course in consideration of those involved).

Hey Jocelyn. I appreciate the offer. Typically Red 7 is closed on Mondays and it's pulling teeth to get a good response that night. Especially being the week after SXSW. Also, I'm trying really hard to understand how a band can come up with a name like "Die to Yourself", but thinking about this just hurts my brain. Which brings me on to something way more important.

Do you remember back when metal bands had awesome names that created brutal visuals and just by looking at the band name you knew what kind of musical bad assery you were in for?

For example "Wolves in the Throne Room". How incredible is that name? What kind of image does it conjure up? Well, first off, there's a throne room involved, so I picture like this really rad looking evil king type dude with red mist protruding from his eye sockets instead of normal eye balls. Why the weird eye mist? BECAUSE THE DUDE HAS GIANT WOLVES LISTENING TO HIS EVERY COMMAND AND BECKON! Fucking hordes of wolves, salivating and lusting for the blood of whoever their leader demands be brought back to his chamber.

Behind the king lies his trophies. Piles of human bones, picked completely clean by his wolven brethren and made into shrines of various archaic gods forgotten long ago by recent civilization, as these cults and tribes were so heinous and destructive, that any and all knowledge of their existence has been wiped from the planet completely in fear of mankind ever resurrecting such a horrible league of deities upon the planet.

Let's try a few more, shall we (I'm having fun).

"Black Sabbath" - Aww shit. Can you feel that? Can you feel the satanic pulses of mind blowing heavy riffage? Stories of awaking to feel a dark presence in your room and sacrificing goats and virgins to your dark lord, Satan? Imagine being a part of the ritual of human sacrifice, and the whole time SCREAMING in jubilation that you are, in fact, the chosen one, THE ANTI-CHRIST, The one who has been put on the planet to destroy all that is pure and good. YOUR DESTINY IS TO CAST THE ENTIRE PLANET INTO AN ETERNAL HELL FLAME! Say it with me now, Jocelyn...

"FUCK YES!"

"CROWBAR" - With a name like "Crowbar" those dudes are going to beat you, and it's going to hurt, and they're going to beat hundreds of other people at the same time, slow bludgeoning doom! That's what I'm talking about!

"The Sword" - A weapon used for slaying in the olden times, sharp rods of metal (METAL!) used in cultures all over the world to kill, impale, behead and amputate your enemies. Pretty awesome, don't you think?

"Cannibal Corpse" - Two possibilities, Is the cannibal him or herself a member of the Walking Dead who eats flesh and chews on the bones of his or her victims? Or perhaps the Corpse is being eaten by a living Cannibal, who then devours their entrails and howls at the stars, speaking in tongues and demanding the return of Cthulhu to wash humanity off the face of the planet in their own blood (!!!)

"Doom Riders" - They ride, and they either ride into doom or they ride for doom. Either way, it's pretty brutal. Doom is brutal. SRSLY.

"Iron Maiden" IRON FUCKING MAIDEN! A tomb of spikes designed to impale and tortuously kill people as said series of spikes are being forced into their bodies. I want you to envision the executioner, waring a black cloth over his face, his tongue has been removed as his only duty in life is to close the chamber on whoever the king demands. He slowly pushes the door and presses on the victim as he can feel the blood vessels bursting and flesh tearing. Then, the executioner has to pull back slightly and reseat the chamber as he's hit a bone he can't seem to easily pass through and needs to stab his way around it? I'm getting hungry!

NOW, let's revisit the bands on this bill, shall we?

Die to Yourself (?) - The introverted version of dying unto others? Sounds kinda pitiful don't you think? I picture some teenage kid in the suburbs who feels like nobody understands him, but he does't actually kill himself, just kinda half ass tries for attention in the solitude of his room. Meh.

Radical Classical (?) - How about "Brotacular Gnarly Bros?" Isn't that a fun name? Meh.

Challenger - Okay. Challenger is kind of a cool name. There was a space shuttle that blew up once called the Challenger, it killed a bunch of people and pieces of this space shuttle landed in the back yards of suburban homes. That's PRETTY bad ass. Challenger, you get a pass :)

Under Tribulation - Those who were left behind during the rapture? We're gonna quote New Testament?

Rule number one of metal, either go cyborg future, war times, Middle Earth/Dark Ages, Ancient Egypt or old old old Testament. Just take a look at all of your Iron Maiden Covers and ask yourself "does this band name strike a time period that is reminiscent of Eddy in any of these settings". If the answer is no, then your band name probably sucks and you should start over.

It reminds me of this GREAT joke I heard once. What do Jews and Metal Heads have in common? They both hate the New Testament. Do you get it? Testament fucking rule.

Thanks for the offer Jocelyn, good luck on the road!

2011-01-06T10:24:00.000-06:00

How to make a shitty photoshopped poster.

1 - Illegally download photoshop (or get a trial of Pixelmator).

2 - Google "Alfred E. Newman Misfits"

3 - Download a cool looking "horror" font.

4 - Mix all four ingredients vigorously until you can't feel any clumps.

If you want to buy the actual shirt from the actual artist CLICK HERE!

My New Year's Resolution.

2010-12-27T12:21:00.001-06:00

1 - Stop treating women like objects.

2 - Open a titty bar with Sabala from Emo's.

3 - Drink less (LOL).

4 - Watch more hockey.

5 - Invite Metallagher to come back and smash fruits.

6 - No matter how much they piss me off, I will not slap or punch any tourists during SXSW.

7 - Learn how to describe bands without using the words "garage" "herky jerky" "hipster" "brutal" or "crusty"

8 - Learn how to describe Red 7 employees without using the words "garage" "herky jerky" "hipster" "brutal" or "crusty".

9 - Start a fight club on Mondays.

10 - Convince Patty drom D4/The Arrivals to finally move to Austin and host happy hours.

11 - Force Sean Carlson to actually pay his tab.

12 - Stop doing sound in the cocaine booth.

13 - Hug Davey Krum Bum at least twice a month.

14 - Convince the scientific community that Jameson is, in fact, GOOD for your liver.

I fucking hate degenerate thieving assholes.

2010-10-22T18:38:00.000-05:00

ATTN AUSTIN-PLEASE KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR A WHITE SINGLE AXLE HOMESTEADER TRAILER.

It has a 3x3 tag (as in graffiti) in black marker on the passenger side (can't really tell what it says) grease marks around the wheel/fender of the driver's side.

I really hope whoever this asshole is tries to sell the records or t-shirts to some local record shop. If you find or see anything please let the riverboat gamblers boys know asap.

You can also email me and I'll pass the info on - Johnny@red7austin.com

Thanks.

Ugh

2010-09-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

Pay attention kids. Pay close attention...

1 - I cannot get you a media/press pass for Fun Fun Fun Fest. Don't ask and stop asking.

2 - Half of you fucking people don't even own a camera or work for any kind of media outlets? What makes you think you count as press/media? Do your facebook status updates make you a "news outlet"?

3 - You do realize these festivals cost money to put on, right? It's not my money, but other people work really hard for shit like this to come together, only to have bottom feeders standing there with their hand out feeling like they don't have to support amazing people taking HUGE financial risks to put together these kinds of events. Devo, Weird Al, Floor and Bad Religion are all playing this festival. Not WIlco, The Eagles and Calexico.

This is the exactly the reason why music festivals cater to Don Henley fans and not Mark Mothersbaugh fans. If you don't wanna go, don't go. I can totally respect and understand that, but for all those bitching about it being a whopping $30-$40 a day, I have a simple comment. If you really can't find 12 bands you wouldn't pay $10 to see on this festival, you have the most disturbingly shitty taste in music known to man.

Pony up, be a grown up, and stop fucking bothering me for free shit.

Joe Strummer's Birthday, August 21st

2010-08-19T10:40:00.000-05:00

Joe Strummer passed away on December 22, 2002. He was only 50 years old and died peacefully in his sleep. This Saturday (August 21st) would be his 58th birthday.

Strummer wasn't only an icon and a legend, but he died in the midst of his second wave. Backed by the Mescalaros, Strummer proved to the rest of the World something that was seemingly impossible. Not all aging icons have to destroy the value of their legacy by staging a "comeback" and just phoning in a shitty rendition of their earlier work.

There was a phenomena of self parodies and absolute garbage that was being churned out by the rest of the music industry in the name of reviving "punk rock", for example the "Misfits" reunion and brief stint on televised Wrestling shows. (Thankfully, as Dez didn't actually write any of the Black Flag songs he was ruining, Greg Ginn got them to "cease and desist" those covers, which I'm sure they were butchering on a nightly basis until then).

Everywhere you turned some other irrelevant band was trying to cash in on what they clearly felt they were due for not getting a payola the first time around. The "DK4" had completely destroyed any image of integrity I had for the Dead Kennedys, one of my absolute favorite bands, The Sex Pistols seemed to be the only ones who blatantly sold themselves as what they were with the "We're only in it for the money" tour.

Then, Joe Strummer and the Mescalaros put out "Global A-Go-Go". This was Strummer's second record with The Mescalaros and an album that wasn't given a chance to see it's potential through. It was beautiful, it was heartfelt, it was a little more experimental and a lot more of a reflection of Joe Strummer just wanting to write truly beautiful music and go in a riskier direction rather than watered down versions of Clash songs.

Unfortunately, reunion fever made the World completely numb as the attempts at money grabbing performed by every junkie musician got to be a parody of itself and nobody seemed to really notice or care about this new project. Joe Strummer as a solo act quickly became more important to me than the Clash. Now, before anyone writes me off as not knowing what the fuck I'm talking about, it wasn't because the music was better than the clash(the two acts simply aren't comparable), it was because in 2001 when this album came out, I finally found a relevant link to all the punk stuff I grew up on that didn't feel commercialized or completely bastardized. Joe's writing had something that most albums during that time period lacked. Joe's writing had artistic integrity, it had intelligence and it had a feeling that something was really happening and wasn't just nostalgic bullshit.

Insert gratuitous video here...

My new favorite Onion Article

2010-08-02T22:52:00.000-05:00

RECENTLY SINGLE AL GORE FINALLY ABLE TO LISTEN TO W.A.S.P. ALBUMS

This is my new favorite Onion Article.

This Kid Rules

2010-08-02T19:54:00.001-05:00

9 Year old's Metal Blog

CRUD WIZARD

New Black Mountain Song/Video

2010-07-31T01:23:00.001-05:00

Old Fangs

I don't know how I feel about this song yet. I'm definitely enjoying it, but Black Mountain set the bar a little high for themselves with their last few songs.

New Grinderman Track!

2010-07-27T11:05:00.000-05:00

Heathen Child

In response to the struggling economy, Johnny (fails) to try his hand at moonlighting.

2010-07-26T15:53:00.000-05:00

Turns out, I'm an even shittier tattooer than I am a booking agent.

2010-06-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

NEW BARTENDER!

2010-06-22T16:39:00.000-05:00

Meet Terry. He came to the interview in a tank top, I asked "who here is a fuckin bad ass decision maker?"...he raised his hand and the rest was history. Red 7 manager material.

2010-06-22T16:06:00.000-05:00

Brian Posehn Tickets on sale now!

Click here for tickets.

Here's the prototype for the new poster John G is making....

file:///Users/jsarkis/Desktop/rs_080710.jpg

Click here to check out John G's comic book page.

Here's a picture of him with some weird kid...

Brian Posehn Tickets on sale now!

Click here for tickets.

I just threatened Tweak Bird over email.

2010-06-21T18:28:00.000-05:00

And I told them I was going to use this blog against them. Which is the only reason why I'm posting this, to prove I'm not fucking around.

I would like you to meet the newest member of the Red 7 cocktail family

2010-06-20T10:25:00.000-05:00

An homage to Wayne Campbell's main squeeze Sandra Hung from Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2, we introduce to you....

THE TIA CARRERE!

We infused Tito's with oranges and fresh mint, let it sit for a couple of days and then pour it over ice and add Sweet Leaf Mint and Honey Green tea, then shake the shit out of it to make sure the tea gets a chance to aerate and the final product is (trust me on this one) America's new favorite summer drink.

On the go? NO PROBLEM, the Tia Carrere makes a great shot too. Available exclusively at Participating Red 7 locations around the 78701 area code for the low low price of $5.

Buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it TODAY!

Graham Williams has a Wikipedia page!

2010-06-18T13:01:00.003-05:00

Everyone point and laugh!

Graham Williams

2010-06-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

My girlfriend says I'm "unprofessional" because I make fun of people who email me booking requests. I'm going to go ahead and post a couple here and see what you think...

My name is and I am going on tour with a band I play live for and since its only 3 dates long I was going to continue the tour with my clothing line . I was looking to see if it was ok if i were to set up a small merch booth at the watchout theres ghost show June 22 I have contacted the band to make sure it is ok with them first of course, i just wanted to get yalls permission as well, We are from Dallas Texas and I hope we can work something out, Most Venues just throw me in with the other bands merch stands,

Just wanted to see if it was ok

Thank you again so much

My Response...

Sure whatevs. No drink tickets and if you sass you're outta here!

2010-06-17T09:13:00.000-05:00

I SEE YOUR MCDONALZ...

2010-06-15T18:55:00.000-05:00

..And I raise you a fuckin stud.

Here's what I think of you Moody.

2010-06-15T18:51:00.000-05:00

Your Image is Shit.

2010-06-15T16:03:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't try and sell it.

Instead, maybe you should try and be the only pantsless bar in Austin. Door discounts for no pants, drink discounts for disrobing at the bar, you could sell Red 7 pants for people leaving that need to go to other bars that believe in pants - shit like that. So many people leave Red 7 all the the time which makes me think that it is a super smart strategy. Plus, taking a piss would be way easier and it would be much cooler in the summer months.

I think that would be WAY smarter then trying to peddle your image when your reputation is caught somewhere between BP, Dennis Hof, and GG Allin.

Love, Moody

Who We are...

2010-06-15T15:41:00.000-05:00

Red 7 BIO...

Moody says we need to sell our 'image'

2010-06-15T15:14:00.000-05:00

I'm not shitting you. We decided to put up a blog site to act all kinds of witty and charming because that's what we do best.... Well, that's what Jared does best, the rest of us just put up facebook posts repeatedly and shamelessly trying to get you to show up to every shitty show we book.